mishisings | Butch is now Literally a Snake, Part 2

more idiots in love

You didn’t really expect Butch to run laps, did you? He could. It probably wouldn’t tire him out much at all. But why should he? Toni’s inside doing science. She'll never know.

“And you won’t tell, will you, boy?”

Dogmeat barks happily and trots ahead several yards, then stops and turns around, waiting politely for Butch to catch up.

No, Butch is going to take a leisurely stroll around Megaton. He's going to walk the dog, and he's not going to wear the shirt. Toni's not the boss of him.

"I'm dying! Or turning into a monster who won’t remember ever being my fabulous self. Same thing. So I can do what I want!"

Dogmeat cocks his head. But then he spots a mole rat in the distance and bounds off to bother it. Oh, to be a dog.

Butch sits on a rock and takes off the shirt. He's maybe six foot nine at this point and it still hangs off him like a tent. And it’s in really good condition for pre-war clothing. He could maybe deal with the colour if it fit him better, or he could deal with the fit if the colour was different, but not both at once!

He's never seen Toni in it. It'd be even more gigantic on her. She could wear it as a dress. Or a nightshirt. It's not a colour he usually sees on her. "I bet she'd look cute."

If only he could just tell her so. Normally that wouldn't be a problem. All the girls back home loved him. But Toni has always been the exception. Of course, saying "I love you" to his childhood frenemy is on a completely different level than saying "hey babe you wanna go to the diner and share a rootbeer float?" to anyone else...

Well, the trick isn't so much confessing, but not getting shot down. He's let her have so much power over him already - letting her decide where they go, what they do. He's living in her house, following her on her missions… he might be the leader of the Tunnel Snakes, but that's nothing compared to the Lone fucking Wanderer, the most amazing girl in the world. The point is that a couple of years ago, if she'd confessed to him… he would have completely humiliated her.

Now their positions are reversed. She's not dumbass asshole seventeen-year-old Butch DeLoria. She's not even dumbass slightly-less-of-an-asshole twenty-year-old Butch Deloria. So she probably wouldn't eviscerate him if he told her how he feels about her. Probably. But if she told him she could never feel the same way about him because he hurt her too deeply when they were younger, well, he couldn't blame her. Sometimes when he thinks back to the horrible shit he and Wally and Paul used to do to her, he realizes it's a goddamn miracle he's still on speaking terms with her. It would be more than fair if she rejected him.

Dogmeat comes running back, satisfied that the mole rat has been chased a sufficient distance away from his human. Butch scratches the dog’s neck and showers him with praise. Good boy, Dogmeat.

Butch gets up, hanging the shirt over his shoulder by one finger, and starts walking as Dogmeat scampers off again. The walls of Megaton are to one side, ugly scrap metal scavenged from planes and buses and trucks. And a desolate wasteland to the other, the only plants growing sickly brown brush. It’s better than what he was told, growing up in the Vault - that nothing could grow, that there was no life out here. When he stepped out into the sunlight and saw the truth, he thought surviving here would be easy.

Turned out to be harder than he thought. Mom probably won’t even care when he’s gone.

If he’s gone. Toni’s working on finding out how to possibly make a cure for whatever it is is about to happen… And a part of him still doesn’t actually believe anything bad could happen. Not to him. Not to Butch Deloria, brave and resourceful leader of the Tunnel Snakes. He’ll power through somehow. His genes will eat this gene-resequencing virus for breakfast and Toni will be struck with admiration. At least he’s pretty sure that’s how it works.

But if that’s not how it works, then he’s running out of time. Now is his last chance to let Toni know how much he cares about her.

(By all rights, he should call it quits. Just count himself lucky she deigns to call him her friend. That would only be fair. But that's not how he operates. Fairness only applies to other people.)

He thought he had her with that kiss. Sure, he really had suggested the first one at Tenpenny Tower mainly as a peaceful solution to their problem, but there were no extenuating circumstances this time. This time, he was just a guy who might be dying, and wanted to make out with the girl he liked before he shuffled off his mortal coil.

But she didn't seem to get it. Wouldn't you normally assume if you'd been snogged by a good-looking dude that he likes you, or at least that he thinks you're cute? And for a minute there she was kissing him back! But then she just shoved him away and kicked him out of the house like nothing happened! How?

“Am I... doing it wrong?” No. Impossible. There are many things Butch Deloria is good at, and kissing is one of them. And of all the times he's done it, it was never as good as it is with her. That has to mean something, right?

… he shouldn't have blown the 'last request' excuse at the first opportunity.

---------

Toni sits and stares blankly at Butch’s test results. She knows she’s just going around in circles. She knows what’s going on, but not in any useful detail. If she tried to medicate him now, it could just mess him up more, and he might just grow back anything she tried to remove in surgery. Not that she could pinpoint anything that needed to be removed.

Doc Church was no help; he knew no more about FEV than the average wasteland doctor. Worse, he’d wanted no part in helping her. It was all she could do to keep him quiet about Butch’s condition.

Tomorrow they’ll leave, maybe head out to Rivet City. With Super Mutants swarming downtown, someone’s bound to know more about FEV there… But it’s a long journey. Will they be able to make it in time? Will Butch be fit to be seen?

She checks the time on her pipboy - it’s only been about thirty minutes since she kicked Butch out. She’s about to turn the display off, but her finger slips and she accidentally turns it to the radio display… and there's the Vault 101 emergency broadcast frequency…

Last time they called home, and it turned out Butch had been shirking his 'man on the outside' duties for Vault 101, she persuaded him to tell him what his mission was, and then she helped him accomplish it. Of course, it wasn't because she still cared about the vault - it hadn't been her home for close to half a year at that point - but Butch's assignment had been to find a new doctor for the vault. She just couldn't let that situation continue. They ended up poaching one of one of her dad's old Project Purity compatriots, an older gentleman for whom the excitement of nearly being captured by the Enclave was too much.

That man was well connected in the scientific community. And he was a friend of her father's. Even if he couldn't help, he'd be sure to know someone who could.

She looks at the jukebox apprehensively. The frequency that Butch used to call Amata is built into it. All she would have to do is turn it on and tune it. She can't afford not to use all the resources at her disposal. But to get to the doctor, she has to speak to Amata. She doesn't want to. Their last argument had left such a bitter taste in her mouth. But there's no choice. Butch's life is at stake.

She sets up in front of the jukebox, cross-legged on the floor, wondering why the big fool didn't just buy a radio from Moira instead of tinkering with the biggest appliance in the house. It figures even his nice gestures end up complicating her life.

"All right. Let's get this over with."

Wincing, she makes the last adjustment.

<...Butch? What are you doing signaling me, didn't you say you were going rogue?>

"It's, uhhhh, Toni, Amata."

<Toni?... I didn't expect to hear from you again, either. But I'm glad you called. I wanted to thank you for finding Dr. George.>

“I-I-I didn't do it for you. O-or the Vault. I just, I just didn't want this to be held over Butch's head."

<Hah. Since when do you care about Butch? You did it because even if you don’t care about us, even if you don’t want to help us, it was the right thing. And you can't stand not to do the right thing.>

Toni frowns. Amata knows her too well. Using Butch as an excuse wasn't one of her better ideas, either.

“How, how’s the doctor working out for you, then? Have-have you shot him yet? Exiled him?”

<He's doing just fine! I forgot how stubbornly you hold onto a grudge.>

"Funny how, funny how betrayal puts a damper on friendship."

<Yeah, about that. I've been wanting to apologize for a while about the way I treated you back then. I'm sorry. It was wrong.>

"O-oh was it now? I-I thought you said you didn't, didn't have a choice?"

<Look, you were right. About everything. Being Overseer is really hard and I had to do something to make peace with the faction that was still on my father's side, but it shouldn't have been at your expense, especially not after you went out of your way to spare him. Exiling you was a mistake.>

"B-best thing that ever happened to me."

<Seriously?! Why are you like this? You are so lucky I->

"Why am I like this? Why do you think?!" How dare she? Why did Toni ever think this would work, she'd always been afraid Amata secretly hated her, and here's all the proof she needs...

<I miss you! I miss my best friend! I miss having someone to talk to I don't have to put on a brave face for! I wish this whole stupid thing never happened in the first place!> Amata sounds like she's on the verge of tears.

… Oh. I'm an asshole, Toni realizes, beginning to tear up, herself.

"Amata, I'm-I'm so sorry, I d-didn't. I thought…"

<I'm truly sorry, Toni, I, I should have found some other way to->

"N-no, I'm sorry, I made you cry and, and, and I was just thinking of myself and, and, and… I missed you too!"

"But wait, if you missed me, and I m-missed you, then, then w-why can't we just be friends again?"

This goes on for a while longer, the two of them sobbing and yelling nonsense into their transceivers. Eventually Amata starts saying constructive things again.

"I ap-appreciate that, but don't worry too much about it. I have, I have no intention of living there again."

<Yeah, but I'd like it if you could come back for a visit, at least. Besides, it’s the principle of the thing. The only reason exiling you worked so well is because my dad’s stupid friends were so afraid of the outside world they didn’t want anyone around who’s been to the outside and survived. But since I'm opening the Vault they're just gonna have to get used to dealing with outsiders anyway!>

"They, they treated me like an outsider even though I grew up there. How are they, how are they handling having another outsider doctor? E-especially one who was a friend of my father's?"

They got so far off-track from Toni's original purpose. This conversation needed to happen, and that they made up with each other is such a relief for her.

"Speaking of Dr. George, that's actually why I called. I, I need a favor. I need to consult with him on, on a medical issue. Could you put me in touch with him?"

<I'm sorry, Toni, I can't let you talk to him directly. This is supposed to be a secure frequency just for the purpose of allowing the Overseer to stay in contact with her scouts. I'm already bending the rules just to talk to you. But I'll ask him for you and get back to you as soon as I can, how's that?>

"Are, aren't you the Overseer now? Don't you make the rules?"

<Vault-Tec set down the rules two hundred years ago.>

"Vault-Tec was also conduct, conducting unethical and irresponsible experiments in every single other Vault I've explored."

<Toni, just trust me, it's a security concern. Now tell me why you need to talk to Dr. George. Is everything okay? You don't sound sick…>

“It’s not for me… It’s for Butch.”

<Okay, I’ve been meaning to ask… what’s up with you? You’ve been hanging out with Butch, of all people?>

Toni knew this question was coming and had been dreading it.

“N-not just hanging out… He, uh, kind of inducted me into his gang.”

<You’re kidding. This I gotta hear.>

“It’s a long story and I don't have much time. Can I tell you about it some other time?"

Toni's not in the mood to have Amata give her a hard time about this. They just made up! It would feel awkward to tease each other so soon.

<Well, okay, but you're not off the hook forever. Next time we talk I'm getting the whole story out of you. So what happened to Butch?>

"That's… also a long story."

<Well, come on, girl, you have to give me something to tell the doctor or there's no point to this whole thing!>

"Butch has been in-infected with an unknown strain of FEV - that’s Forced Evolutionary Virus, a, well, a vi-virulent mutagen that works by rewriting the DNA of its victims. It could, it could turn him into a monster, or kill him out-outright. He was infected four days ago, and so far all that's happened is he's grown, but that's no, that's no guarantee that… that that means it’s not life-threatening."

Back when they were at school, Amata probably would have made a comment like the last thing they needed was a bigger Butch because that just meant a bigger pain in their necks. But that's not at all her reaction.

"I-I've been running tests, b-but I'm no geneticist, and even if I was, I, I don't have the equipment to properly treat him, assuming I knew how, which I don't."

"Th-that's very generous but if Butch comes home and, and starts growing extra limbs or turns into a Super Mutant, y-you’ll never be able to convince the holdouts the outside world is safe… that is if you survive. Just ask Dr. George if he knows anyone in the Capital Wasteland who's an expert on genes or FEV."

There's a pause.

Amata is freaking out. She has every right to. Toni kind of feels like freaking out herself.

Maybe she shouldn't have brought up the safety of the Vault. This is one of the things she's afraid of. She doesn't want to be the person to convince Amata that the outside world is too dangerous, that her father, the previous overseer, had been right. He was wrong. But she also, selfishly, doesn't want to admit she was the one who endangered Butch.

"A-Amata, please! He's not dead yet. Please talk to Dr. George and maybe he'll know something, maybe he'll know someone who can help!"

… but Dr. George's advice, once Amata relays it to Toni, doesn’t amount to much. He didn't even know anyone who specializes in genetics or mutagens. The best he could do was suggest that the ghouls downtown might know a way to defend against the virus, given that they’re immune to it, but this was a thought Toni had already had, and was looking for alternatives to.

"The Undercity is… is a week's hike from Megaton, and, and not a quiet journey. By the time we get there, it might be too late."

<I'm sorry we couldn't be of more help, Toni… how's Butch been holding up?>

"He's been in relatively high spirits since the fever broke, actually… he's either pretending he's fine, or, or he's really that dumb."

"Oh, don't get me wrong, he's still soooo annoying to have as a patient, you have no idea. Getting in my way, not doing what I ask… "Oh, Doc, I'm dyin'! Please kiss me, I don't wanna die a virgin!""

<What.>

Oh. Shouldn’t Toni have said that last bit? It’s been so long since she’s had an audience who was enlightened about the pain in the ass that is Butch Deloria, she must have gotten a little carried away.

Oh, good, she’s not asking about the kiss.

"Yeah he didn't actually say that, I was j-just exaggerating." Realistically speaking, Toni’s pretty sure he’s not a virgin. Back in the Vault, she’d overheard Christine and Susie comparing notes on him in the locker room in too much detail for them to be lying…

Shit. "Um."

<Toni, he didn't!>

"I-i-i may have let him kiss me. He, he was getting in the way! And, it s-seemed like the only way to, to get him out of my hair."

"Remember how he kept harassing me before prom? Imagine that, but in a house roughly the size of standard vault private quarters. There would be no escape!"

<Wow. Okay. Butch likes you. I’m gonna have to take some time to process that.>

“What are you talking about? Butch doesn’t like me.”

<What. You don't think the fact that he kissed you might mean he likes you?>

"A-Amata. I know what it's like when guys are into me. They hover awkwardly around you and, and read you cheesy p-poetry and steal you flowers from hydro-hydroponics. Butch is just, just acting exactly the way he did when he was trying to invite me to Prom, and you know he wasn't doing that because he was in love with me."

In the Overseer's office in Vault 101, Amata's palm meets her face with a loud slap. There are so many things she wants to say that they’re all getting in the way of one another. She's speechless with consternation.

Right, because princess carrying you to the dance is such a platonic thing that frenemies do all the time.

Right, because bugging you for three weeks straight and finally trying to trick you into attending Prom with him was all because of a bet and not even slightly because he had feelings for you.

Does Butch seem like the flowers and poetry type to you?

Your ex-boyfriends were notorious shy boys. Why wouldn't you assume Butch would have a different flirting style?

Is your type Tunnel Snakes? Yikes.

Why on earth would he kiss you if not because he likes you?

… You know what? Forget about it. Toni will figure it out.

"Amata? Is everything okay over there? I heard a noise and then you stopped."

<I'm fine. Well, whatever the reason, I hope you figure it out.>

"Oh, I know what it is. It's because Super Mutants have no sex organs and Butch is worried about his… junk falling off so he's, he feels like he needs to prove that he still has his, his groove. I'm… just the most convenient 'partner' for his little test."

Like hell she is. Butch liking Toni was the final missing piece. The rest is all dropping into place: the way Butch was the one to call bullshit on Dad’s story of Toni killing the Holdens on her way out, the speed with which he found her after leaving the vault, that whole insane prom incident, Toni’s sticker harassment campaign against him… Now Amata has the whole picture, and it all adds up to a frankly disgusting courtship. The thing that gets her the most is that for a long time, growing up with them, she would have sworn up and down that her best friend, Toni Kouichi, was way too good for that greasy scoundrel and the very idea of the two of them hooking up was super gross and impossible. They seemed to have generated some sort of energy field of stupidity that made it impossible to see the obvious, which was that the chemistry between them was as explosive as the bombs that drove their ancestors underground two hundred years ago. Vault 101 must be too far from Megaton, out of range of that stupidity field because the veil has finally been lifted from her eyes… but apparently not Toni's own.

If Butch really is just trying to keep his, uh, junk in shape, Toni is the least convenient partner he could choose, for that reason alone.